How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
