I just pynch a tree in the face
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
