george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
