peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
