the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He? As in you personified your dick?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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