How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think my vagina is haunted
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
