Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
