he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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