A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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