Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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