how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
