I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
