Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
