I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
