I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
