she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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