i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
