He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
