I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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