The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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