my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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