Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
