Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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