I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
