Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
