The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
