He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
