look no pants
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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