when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
