last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize