Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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