I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
