Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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