If that was your dad, he is hot
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
