rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
