So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
