chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
