i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
