My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
40s are totally the cure
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
