Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
