my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
