yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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