the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
