i jhust puked up my retainher.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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