If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
