she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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