Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
