do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
