I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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