Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
