I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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