You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
