I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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