After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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