Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
