The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize