what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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