I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
