Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
