got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
