come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize