tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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