we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
