Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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