My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
