Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize