just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize