What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
