I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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